Sandi Esptein coaches clients on home life and work. She also coaches on business issues and has over 15 years experience in marketing and business management with an MBA from Columbia University. Ask her all your work and family balance questions.
Working too much?
Q: Dear Sandi,
We have two very successful careers and a 20 month old boy. I have made a committment to be at home by 6 p.m. everyday, my wife is constantly behind and over stressed, our marriage suffers. We have the time, she is just wasted by the end of the day. She is now trying to get me to commit to doing more so she can work more, which reduces her stress, and will make our marriage better. This seems backwards to me, any advice?
M. M.
A: Dear M. M.,
There is no doubt, you both are working hard to juggle both family and work and congratulations to both of you for doing your best. Here is my advice.
- Define the problem:
Carefully define what your wife is saying and meaning - is she saying work is less stressful than the responsibilities of managing a home and supervising your child and therefore she wants more time at work? Are there indirect concerns like she thinks if she works more there will be more money and that would reduce her stress? Or is she simply saying she needs you to manage more at home so she can concentrate better when she is at work?
- Define your needs:
Now that you understand what she needs, be clear about what you want and need. Do you want to spend more time with your child or would you be willing to do more housework? Do you actually need more down-time on weekends to compensate for your own stress?
- Brainstorm the together:
Once you have defined the true meaning behind her words then you can brainstorm solutions to the problem. Consider all the alternative solutions: from more childcare or house cleaning help (forget the expense and come back to that later) to part-time work for one of you, trading late work days, to a massage once a month - be creative and don't be afraid to ask for what you need.
- Plan the solution:
Articulate very specifically what needs to change and who is responsible and if special resources are needed.
Finally, remember you have only been parents 20 months and those little guys hit you with new surprises all the time. This is just the beginning of your adventure into creative problem-solving at home - try to make it a challenge and an enjoyable part of your relationship. Sometimes a a special lunch or dinner out to discuss difficult problems helps set a nurturing environment for these negotiations.
Also see:
• Balancing a career with a young family is rather difficult. What should I do in order not being feel guilty?
• Ask Sandi a question
• More information on coaching from Sandi
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