Breaking Free of the Flux: The Career/Parenting Dichotomy by Wendy Burt It's easy to blame the glass ceilings on our bosses, co-workers and Corporate America. After all, they all make us choose between career and family, right? Our bosses scorn us for requesting a maternity leave, our male co-workers think we're too goal-oriented to laugh at the water cooler, our female co-workers see us as conniving, aggressive or flirtatious, and Corporate America perpetuates the male-dominated work force. It's amazing that women have managed to succeed at all with so many obstacles, isn't it? Who else is to blame for making us choose? Actually, it may be time we owned up to our self-sabotaging beliefs. No, not those "I'm not good enough" esteem-busters. On the contrary. We're talking about the "I can, or should, do everything" attitudes. Take parenting, for example. In her book, "Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Kids, Love, and Life in a Half-Changed World," Peggy Orenstein discusses what she calls, "Perfect Mother martyrdom," in which working women create their own stress by preventing their husbands from being equal partners in the home, in areas such as housework and parenting. During her interviews with more than 200 women, Orenstein attempted to learn why women still struggle with the family versus career issue. One of her greatest findings was of women in their twenties - or "Promise Years" as she calls the period - who usually begin to prepare for work and family issues - even if they are currently single. For most, having both a family and career seemed unrealistic, leading them to one of two choices: giving up on the concept of family in order to pursue their career goals; or planning for their roles as primary caregivers. In her findings, Orenstein learned that the latter of the two choices often leads women to choose 1) higher-earning partners (in order to support a family) and 2) more flexible and subsequently lower-paying jobs for themselves. Orenstein argues that albeit practical, the choice to follow through with such decisions often leaves women less able to ask for, and receive, help from their partners with housework and childrearing. On the other hand, even the women who "chose" to pursue careers in lieu of children often fell prey to regret, with the blame to be placed on their own career ambitions. In fact, one study of senior executive females found that more than half had never been married, divorced, or widowed and fewer than 40 percent were mothers. Their male counterparts, however, were found to be married with children in 95 percent of the cases, with 75 percent supported by a stay-at-home wife. So how do we change our lives to succeed in our careers? One of the most obvious solutions may be for women to allow the men in their lives to be equal partners at home, as opposed to just the major bread-winners. By allowing men to understand the experience of juggling a career, housework and parenting, women may be able to achieve a more healthy life balance, including less career sacrifice. Granted, many women feel that there are times when it seems biologically-necessary to stay home - right after their children are born, for example. But as the children age, there are more options and in a guilt-free world, either parent should be able to step in as primary caretaker. Still, for many, asking their male counterpart to stay home full-time or with an ill school-age child is nothing short of maternal neglect. The sheer guilt of staying at work while her child is home with the sniffles is enough to drive a mother mad. "I should be there. I'm the mother," seems a normal reaction, and yet why do women not feel equally about the father's need to comfort or responsibility to act as a full-time parent? In Orenstein's study, many of the mothers whose partners stayed home were forced to let go of a great deal of mother management, giving up the "Do-it-this-way" attitudes that they had developed when they were home with their children after childbirth. And, as Orenstein points out, if working women want the equal partnerships that many seek, "What choice is there but to allow - to insist - that men, too, become mothers, in the process loosening our own grip on that defining role? Perhaps, in order to balance the scales, it's sometimes necessary to tip them in the other direction." As working mothers, women have worked long and hard at gaining control of the many facets of their lives through structure, routine, time management, and the general acceptance and cultural expectation of being overwhelmed every day. For many, it is difficult, and seemingly counter-productive at first, to relinquish some control to their partners in the areas of parenting, housework, and even financial planning, yet, it is the very submission of control at home that may allow women to gain more confidence and control of their careers and their self-fulfillment. As Orenstein learned, to feel complete, most women need more than a partner and children to feel happy. They need job-satisfaction, friends, community involvement, and a sense of importance that is not necessarily found in the home. So how can society change to women achieve success in their careers? Orenstein has an interesting thought: Make it just as difficult for men to achieve life balance as women. "My goal, really, (is) for men to reckon with the same conflicts as women do, as well as have the same choices: They should be as willing and able as women to choose low-paying, personally fulfilling professions, to marry a high-earning spouse and be primary caretakers of their children." If only Orenstein made the rules. We'd probably be free from our state of flux, and the world would certainly be more than half-changed. Buy Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Kids, Love, and Life in a Half-Changed World" at Amazon Also see: • Finding work and family balance • Share your thoughts on having it all on our message boards Wendy Burt is a freelance writer based out of Colorado Springs, CO.