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Ask the Expert: Finding Balance Natalie Gahrmann is a success coach and owner of N-R-G Coaching Associates, a private coaching company that specializes in helping working parents achieve mastery of work and life. Her clients experience more clarity, direction and alignment while reducing stress in their busy lives.
Deciding to Have Another ChildCollete writes, "I have a wonderful husband, 3 1/2 yr. son, and my favorite job ever. And now I want baby #2. My husband does not. He stayed home (worked part-time) till our son was 3. (I made more $ and it made more sense that I worked). Knowing how much I want another baby, my husband offered me a deal: I can have #2 if I quit my job and stay at home. The problem is that I love my job. But I also think that at age 60, I'll regret not having a baby, not missing going full-force with my career. I would still have to work part-time for $. (My husband wants to ensure #2 gets all the time and attention of #1). I can't have both. I also don't know if it's fair that I accept "the offer" knowing how much my husband doesn't want another one. (My husband is the ideal father... he has a very accurate picture of parenting). Who do I pick to make happy? (And as if either of us would be perfectly happy knowing the other isn't). What do I do?"Answer: Let me start by reassuring you that many mothers encounter your dilemma about whether or not to have another child. I encourage you to be real clear about why you want another baby. What if you decided you would have another baby and weren't able to? Is your family already happy, healthy and fulfilling? My personal feeling is that having another baby should be something both you and your husband want. As you know, a baby is a big responsibility. In my opinion, the issues need to be fully considered and it's not a matter of coercing your husband to your view. As with any significant decision, you must both feel heard. You will feel closer to each other if you feel understood. You need to feel that your spouse is listening, rather than dictating or giving ultimatums or "deals". Undoubtedly, your husband has reasons for his desire not to add another child to your family. Be willing to address and discuss his real concerns. Your comprehension of his experience and feelings will also play a part in which way this decision goes. Having this discussion is the only way to make a joint decision, even if one of you must compromise your original position. Realize, too, that one of the tasks of a healthy marriage is to digest disappointment, rather than let disappointments create distance between the two of you. Having an open discussion will help your marriage grow and sustain disappointments. Here are some questions and thoughts for you to truly consider and discuss with your husband: 1. Do you really want another child or just another BABY? Many women who enjoy newborns and young babies mourn the possible loss of opportunity to have another child. Sometimes the desire for another baby takes on a force so strong that a woman becomes not only frustrated, but depressed. Naturally, you must consider the consequences and weigh the balance of positive and negative influences that such a decision would have on both you and your spouse, as well as your son. If you feel yourself yearning for a BABY, remember that all children eventually grow up. You can't realistically keep on having children just so that you have a baby in the house. Also, having another baby at this time in your life, will not help you re-capture your youth. Be realistic about the time and energy a baby takes and the needs of the child. Many women experience the decision not to have more children as a loss and need to mourn this passage in their lives. Consider whether closing the door on reproduction represents a finality that brings sadness. If you genuinely want a bigger family, be clear on why and how many babies will end up feeling 'right' for you. What does another child symbolize for you? What feels unfinished about having one instead of more children? Now that your son is no longer a baby, are you having trouble letting go of having a baby in the house? 2. In what ways will having another child effect you financially --both now and in the future (summer camps, braces, college, wedding, etc.)? What if you had a multiple birth (which is more common as women age)? What are the realistic repercussions and joys of adding a second (or more) child? 3. Are you willing to risk the possible chance that your next child will not be "healthy" or otherwise perfect? Do you have the energy and resources to raise a child who is not 100% healthy? Are you emotionally ready to handle the negative possibilities of a miscarriage or unhealthy baby? 4. What role do you see yourself playing in the upbringing of your child/children? Is this the role you want to play? Can you picture yourself doing playdates, carpools, homework, activities, etc with two as opposed to one child? 5. What are the real concerns and issues your husband is feeling? Address his fears and concerns. Be realistic in dealing with his fears and look for realistic solutions. Ask him to clarify what would need to change for him to consider the possibility. Also, expect him to talk with you about the impact that not having another child may have on you. Is there anything he can do to help you channel your creative energy in another way or support you if you choose to not have more children? Remember, staying connected through disappointment is crucial to the affection in your relationship. 6. How will having another baby affect your marriage and relationship with your son? Remember, this is a personal decision that should be made privately between you and your husband. Don't be influenced by other (well intended) people. Look deeply into your own motivation for wanting a second child. You may want to seek outside counsel to help you raise and discuss issues amongst the two of you after you have resolved some of your own internal drivers and needs.
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