Ask the Expert Dr. Roni Leiderman, Associate Dean at The Family and School Center of Nova Southeastern University, is not only an expert on parenting issues but the working mother of two children. Pitching in with housework Question: I am unable to get my 9-year-old daughter to help at all around the house. She will not even throw her garbage into the garbage, she drops it wherever she is. She will take the garbage out if constantly reminded. I would be happy if she just picked up her own messes and helped a little with keeping things straightened up just a little. I have tried grounding, spanking, rewards of all types, such as money, getting to go places, do things, stars for chores, anything I can think of. I spend time with her reading, letting her read to me or taking turns reading. I'm always interested in her schoolwork, friends and relationships. She gets straight A's, is popular, has a very caring and nice personality. She is co-operative in school and at anyone else's home. Any place but home she is very neat and helpful. I have had her to a counselor, which seemingly only caused her to be very resentful and also cost much more than we could afford (although I didn't let on about that). Her father left about 4 years ago and lives a long ways away. He still keeps in constant contact with her and visits us about 2 times a year, he and I have a very co-operative and friendly relationship. She visits him for about 1 month every year and talks to him on the phone at least 3 times a week. When he's here, he backs me up totally and can't believe her behavior at home. She acts very much the same when she visits him. We cannot figure out what to do for her or with her. Do you have any suggestions? - Terry Answer: Children, like adults, respond best when they are made to feel valued and successful. Your daughter is not unlike many other 9 year olds who, too, have a hard time keeping up with their chores and maintaining a clean environment. Remember that her room is her own and her interpretation of a clean room may not match yours. You can certainly set some standards but realize that as a child, she may have a different standard than you do. To her, posters of her favorite singers on the wall, or half completed projects on her floor may be just perfect. Remember, too that she is just 9 and her responsibilities need to match her age. Here are some suggestions to make chore time a more pleasant experience for both of you: Have your daughter participate in some of the decisions regarding her chores. For example, give her choices regarding which things she wants to tackle first, and how she will go about completing her tasks. Encourage her attempts. Rather than waiting for her to complete all her chores, give her praise and reinforcement along the way. Let her know how much you appreciate what she has done and how hard she has tried. Make chore time fun. As a 9 year old, she will respond more positively when her chores are filled with fun. Make some tasks a game. See how fast she can pick up all the yellow toys. Have a contest to see who can fold the towels the fastest. Laughs and hugs make the process so much more fun and enjoyable. Have logical consequences attached to negative behavior. Punishing and spanking, as you have noticed, do not typically yield the results you are looking for. Making the consequence logical and pre-determined is more fair and allows her to be responsible for her conduct. For example, if she understands that she is responsible for putting the clean laundry in her drawers before you go out to get ice cream, she will understand the reason why you are not going out for the treat tonight if the laundry is still sitting on the table past the agreed time. By making discipline a positive learning experience, she will gain important life skills and you both will feel less frustrated and will find more fun in the process! Other recently asked questions • What age is it appropriate for girls to wear makeup? • Differing parenting styles with step-children • Submit your questions • More questions