Dating Dos and Don'ts...for Parents of Tweens By Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese Are you dog-tired of saying NO to your tween? No, you can't go to the mall to hang out. No, you can't go out on a school night. No, you can't go out dressed like that! No, you can't go to that co-ed sleep-over. No, you cannot date! Young adolescents may be too young to date, but they're not too young to yearn for love. The book Parenting 911, a Roper Poll that reported 62% of kids between the ages of 10 and 13 confessed the opposite sex was important to them. Before you enforce your do's and don'ts dating rules for your tween, prepare yourself with a dating do's and don'ts designed for you, the parent. Do giggle and goggle along with your tween over her first crush. She may show you pop star pix from a fan magazine or a snapshot of a classmate from the middle school yearbook. You can tell that she's smitten. Tweens need permission to be romantic, your permission. So smile, laugh, and say, "He is cute." Don't assume group dating is safe. You may say no to dating one-on-one for your twelve-year-old, but agree to her going out in a group. A pair can isolate themselves from the group in a dark movie theatre. You cannot trust the group setting to supervise your child. Do be sensitive to your teenager's romantic timetable. Some 11-year-olds get boy-girl party invitations and want to go. Other 11-year-olds are not ready for that. Don't ever push your child to get into the "popular" crowd's schedule. Watch for his and her social readiness. Respect it. In Boy Crazy, we offer a timetable that approximates how average teens proceed as they go through early and later adolescence. Do wait up when your tween goes out. Be there to make sure your child had a safe outing. A hug and kiss good-night should also serve as a safety measure to be sure there is not alcohol on his breath, no slurred words in his good-night. Pay close attention if your tween wants to attend too many sleepovers. Why? You are not there at the end of the evening to make sure that no sneaking of cigarettes, beer, or marijuana occurred. Guidance counselors have confided that tweens can use sleepovers to avoid parental supervision. Don't snoop to find out about your tween's love life. Yes, it is your responsibility to know how far your fourteen-year-old may be going into the love zone (and the sexuality zone, too.) However, violating privacy by reading diaries or on-line blogs will build a wall, not a bridge of trust, we learned while writing What Are You Doing in There?: Balancing Your Need to Know with Your Adolescent's Need to Grow. Without trust you cannot effectively guide your tween through the risks and revelry of adolescence and romance. Don't plan one sex talk. The landscape of sexuality is totally different for this generation. They have new worries: AIDS and HIV and a plethora of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases.) They have new definitions. A landmark survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that more than half of 15 to 19 year olds are experimenting with oral sex because they do not define it as sex. You need to inject your values into this new climate. Plan on having lots of talks. Do keep your ear to the rumor mill. Who is boyfriend stealing? Who got gilted? Who went too far? Who wound up in the emergency room getting her stomach pumped after the moving up dance? The gossip may come from your child or from other parents. You don't have to believe it or spread it. However, gossip provides a window of opportunity to explore other tween's or teen's decisions. Ask your child, "What do you think about…?" Do pay attention to your son's social life. Studies show that girls get most of the relationship talks. It takes two to romantically tango. Young adolescent boys need guidance, boundaries, and understanding. Girls can be possessive, pushy, even "Gold-diggers" as Kanye West raps. Boys need just as much instruction on courtship and companionship as girls. Furthermore, there are certain issues such as consent---respecting a girl's "no"---that need your emphasis and clarity. Don't let your tween's social life become the control issue in your relationship. Often a single issue comes between a parent and a tween, and recurs and recurs. It can be grades. It can be boys. It's normal for young adolescents to want to socialize. Going out, hanging out, and hooking up can turn parents into the short-tempered dating police. Ronald Montemayor of Ohio State University videotaped parents of kids as the children grew from age 11 to 15. Negative expressions and conversations increased as girls and boys aged. In other words, parents got nastier. Don't let your tween's romantic goals become the source of contention. Do examine your own romantic assets and liabilities. Your marriage, divorce, second marriage or love life---tweens watch the adults in their lives like hawks. They learn what they witness. So how you argue with your spouse, how you express your love, how you treat a loved one and are treated, these and more are the love lessons your tween absorbs. Rest assured, no parent is a perfect role model in the love department. But, we can honestly acknowledge our mistakes and do better. Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese are coauthors of Boy Crazy: Keeping Your Daughter's Feet on the Ground When Her Head Is in the Clouds, Broadway Books. The authors lecture around the country and provide consulting services. Contact them at msagarese@aol.com Tips for talking with your kids about: • The Top 10 The Top Ten Ways To Build A Relationship With A Teenager • Sex and relationships • HIV and AIDS • Violence • Alcohol and Drugs © Sue Blaney, 2006