Mother Guilt: It's Just a Big, Fat Excuse! By Susan Callahan, Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann Even though pretty much anyone can recognize the negative effects of running on empty-and the positive effect of feeling appreciated and centered-there are lots of mothers out there who just can't seem to make taking care of themselves a reality. Why? Almost 100% of the more than 500 women we talked to during years of researching our book Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too, cited two reasons. The first is that they simply don't believe they have the spare time. But the second is the real clincher: They feel guilty. According to a 2006 ABC News Poll, 52% of mothers say they suffer from parental guilt-mostly because they worry they don't spend enough time with their kids. We were amazed by how many women accepted guilt as a fact of life as a parent. So many of us believe we've got to sacrifice ourselves for our children and families or we're failing at our most important calling, so we are quick to feel guilty for the slightest time-out we might give ourselves. Failure to do something well-especially when related to impressionable, vulnerable, needy kids-always results in guilt. But there's a more insidious reason we suffer like this, and it's a tough one to face. Guilt actually makes us feel better! It's a way to do what we want and justify it to ourselves. If we at least can feel guilty about having done something selfish, it makes the action itself less bad. Sure, it seems like a contradiction: who wants to feel guilty, you may ask? But let's be brutally honest: How much guilt do you experience about things that you know are simply not worthy of it? The reason you continue to sneak off and have the occasional lunch with the girls or watch that stupid movie instead of sorting the moving boxes is because you need it. Guilt is one of those emotions that's often more harmful than the action that caused the guilt in the first place. Wasting time and goodwill allowing guilt to fester about small things is plain old destructive. It's really just an excuse not to change your behavior. We know that when we are calm and centered, we become better humans. Yet we persist in pushing our needs aside, at great risk to ourselves and our families. The following are only some of the negative consequences of not granting ourselves downtime: Physical Depletion: We suffer headaches/ backaches/ stomachaches. At the end of a long day, Katrin, a fulltime writer and artist, often develops splitting headaches. She's learned this is a clear sign to her to look at her schedule, and that of her three children, and cut everyone's activities in half. Loss of Mental Capacity: Leah, a businesswoman and mom of two, told us that when she hasn't had a moment of peace, she can't concentrate in her meetings. Even spending only ten minutes a day being alone or in an activity of her choice helps her brain stay sharp. Impatience: Who hasn't felt that swell of irritation at a benign request, or snapped at a child's guileless mistake? Susan, a stay at home mother of four, recognized that when she was being snippy with her kids, it was time to give herself a break. Strained Relationships: When we're tired, cranky or argumentative our interactions with family, friends, co-workers, spouses, teachers and our own beloved children-everyone, in other words-suffers! Poor Role-modeling for our Kids: They learn by our example and feel the pace we set. Mothers are the pulse of the household; when Anne, part-time working mom of girl twins and a boy, started running at a pace that was too hard to keep up, she realized that her kids felt it, too. So, decide to make the commitment to your own health and happiness, and banish guilt from your life. You will be happier, and your family will too! Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too is written by three Boston-area friends, Susan Callahan, Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann. Between them, they have ten children including a set of twins. Visit their website at www.momstimeouts.com or go to Amazon.com.