"I Make More Money Than My Husband, And It Is Destroying Our Relationship"

by Paul Mauchline, Director of The Art of Loving Institute

Excuse me for being blunt to the men of the world: Guys, get over your cave man instincts! The days of being the sole provider have been gone for a long time. It is the year 2000 and no longer a man's world. So get a grip on that fragile male ego and bury it right now. In my opinion there is no room for ego in a loving relationship. Since when does the size of a woman's paycheck, or her job, or her position in society have anything to do with her love for her partner and family? … Now, before you women rejoice that I (a man) am taking your side, take heed. I believe it "takes two to tango": two people create a relationship and two people are responsible for the tensions and problems in that relationship.

Money is one of the biggest causes of relationship failure today. There seems to be no happy medium: either there is not enough, or, believe it or not, there is too much. Tensions over finances can cause conflict in a loving relationship. Imbalances in partners' paychecks - when one partner makes substantially more than the other -- once again can cause problems in our relationships. This is especially true when the woman is the principal breadwinner in the family. The resentment felt by many men in this situation is one of the major contributing factors in divorce today. These feelings of resentment may lead to behaviors such as alcohol and substance abuse, physical and mental abuse, infidelity, and more. Of course, let us not forget the effect all of this has on children. They are just innocent bystanders, witnessing their parents' conflicts over the almighty buck. Sit back and think, for a minute, about the example we are setting for them. What effect will this have on them as they mature to adulthood? How might it influence the choices they make, someday, in their own relationships?

All this emotional turmoil caused by a woman making more money than a man. In my opinion, the whole situation is sad and pathetic. Since when is love measured by a balance sheet, income statement, or one's salary? A scorecard -- keeping track of each person's monetary contribution to a relationship and family -- is no measure of the love one partner has for the other. However, considering what I see and hear, it seems as though many couples believe this is the case. It pains me to see such destruction of lives over a dollar. Love has nothing to do with money. To paraphrase the words of The Beatles, money certainly cannot buy you love.

In my workshop series, The Art of Loving, I discuss my equation for life: "Love = Life, Fear = No Life." I believe there is no in between. When another person in your life -- especially your partner or spouse -- becomes jealous, envious, or resentful about your career successes, it is a result of his or her own fear. If this person is important to you, it is up to you to communicate how this makes you feel. I find it sad that I have to say to you that success, unfortunately, does come with a price in our society today. Personally, I choose to have friends and, more importantly, a loving partner who respects and loves me more for the unique individual who I am, rather than for the level of my financial success in the world. Life is full of choices. Ultimately, we choose our friends; more importantly, we choose the life partner with whom we wish to share life's journey of rising love. We all need to take responsibility for the choices we make. If you are a successful woman, I would strongly suggest that you choose a life partner and friends who are not intimidated by your financial or social status.

Take the time to reflect on my equation for life. Write it down and place it where you will see it daily. When you look at the equation ask yourself: Do I want Love in My Life? Do I choose Fear in My Life? In my opinion, life is not about money, success, or whose earnings are greater. Life is about Love: Love with no Fear. That is our ultimate choice.

Also see: Fast Track Blues: Overcoming Resentment at Home

Paul Mauchline is a researcher, writer, and speaker on loving relationships. As the director of The Art of Loving Institute he teaches a workshop on the Providenciales, Turks & Caicos Island. The Art of Loving™ workshop offers the knowledge you seek to elevate yourself and your relationships to a higher level of understanding and success, visit his Web site at http://www.artofloving.com

Copyright ©2000 by Paul Mauchline
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