The Confident Woman Confidence. Confidence in your appearance, your attitude, your purpose. Confidence that you can choose to be with people who add value to your life, not drain away your energy and happiness. Confidence that you can choose how to spend your time and energy each and every day, rather than just reactively giving it away. Confidence that you can change your life so that it's saner, better balanced, calmer, healthier, and more meaningful. Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz, Stanford University trained therapist and executive coach, puts her finger on the pulse of women's confidence in her latest book, "The Confident Woman" (Harmony Books/Random House: New York). After three years of research and interviews with 75 extraordinary women, Hansen Shaevitz came up with surprising results: Confidence-not self-esteem or other psychological attributes- was the common thread connecting how successful these women truly felt. Confidence may be the most important trait many women use to reach their full potential. New Truths What is confidence? Why do so many women lack it, as this book would suggest? We receive messages that we must love, nurture, take care of, be responsible for the happiness of, and do for everyone else but ourselves, due to historical and cultural views that hold power over our self-image. But we can change these rules; we can change a paradigm that has defined how many of us feel and function as women. Here are some new truths for you to live by: Believe that what you think, feel, and desire is as important as what others think, feel, and desire. Say without apology, "I want, I prefer, I choose, I need…" Take personal responsibility for your own life. Fate and chance play dice with your life, but you have the power within to change your circumstances. Grow comfortable with that power. Be the most authentic person you can be. Do a self-inventory-keep a journal to describe what work you prefer, what people you want around you, what activities please you, and what type of personal space and home nurtures you. Define your personal purpose in life. When you have self-knowledge and purpose, you can mobilize your thoughts and behaviors to work for you, not against you. Any woman can learn small attitude and behavior changes that will accentuate positive thoughts and behaviors, eliminate negative patterns of behavior and overcome personal barriers. According to Ms. Shaevitz, once you understand what truly makes you you, you can be a more positive, more focused, more confident woman with the time and energy to live the most satisfying life you can, on your terms. Even though it may feel like it, adding you to the people you take care of is not selfish. Selfish behavior comes from being deprived or needy, being afraid of somebody or something, or experiencing real or inner poverty. Women who take care of themselves give from overflow, not duty, obligation, guilt, or fear. And guess what: when women take better care of themselves, everybody wins...especially girls who learn from what they see adult women do. How To Get Your (Confidence) Groove Back How do you go forward confidently, taking control of your life? "The Confident Woman" suggests: Schedule personal time to do activities that nurture and nourish you. Daily time for exercise, weekly time for shopping, monthly time for a spa treatment or cultural activity, and yearly time for a vacation with your favorite person. Put yourself first on your "to do" list. You can't wait until "everything else" is done before you take time for yourself. If you're overwhelmed by the details of life, then eliminate them, delay them, simplify them, or delegate them, but don't let your obligations dictate their terms to you. When in doubt - dump them altogether. Don't REACT to life, but respond effectively. Don't say yes to everything that comes your way-say yes and no judiciously and confidently. Ask yourself two questions and score your answers: How much do I want to do this? (Rate the activity from 1 to 10) How important is it that I do this? (Rate the activity from 1 to 10) If the sum of scores is 13 or less, don't do it. It the sum is 14 or more, then just do it with gusto! Confident women look for and find solutions for everything they do! Look everywhere for good ideas, suggestions, helpful hints-these will help you get better control of your life. Be the healthiest person you can be-by integrating physical, mental, social, and spiritual well being-this is the true definition of health. Stress, accompanied by anxiety and worry, saps your confidence and depletes your energy. Develop proactive ways of dealing with stress: Identify the stressors in your life and change them, or, if you can't change the actual stressor, change the way you think about it. Practicing relaxation techniques during the day can help you cope. Set up your life to have the freedom to be…yourself. Don't focus on past mistakes or wait for others to meet your needs. Do act on your priorities and participate in energy-giving activities and work. Act on what you discover to be your purpose in life, and you will be the Confident Woman. It's a wonderful circle of self-fulfilling prophecy! ©1999-2000, Women First HealthCare, Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be modified, reused, "framed," reproduced, or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission of Women First HealthCare, Inc.